Collections of Humorous Poems You Will Find Pleasure Peading
Collections of Humorous Poems You will find Pleasure Reading. In this wonderful collection, daily time poems bring together a selection of over twenty poems to tickle the ribs of listeners everywhere. I do hope you will find pleasure in reading them.
Funny and humorous poems full of wit and wisdom that will prickle your funny bone and bring a smile to your face.
These crafty poems will have you laughing out loud.
1. Winning Streak
I dreamed I won three Oscars,
Four Emmys, and a Tony too.
My fireplace mantel was sagging
from the honors, I accrued.
I picked up two Golden Globes,
Five Grammys plus a Pulitzer Prize.
The awards poured in that night.
I couldn’t believe my eyes.They gave me the Nobel Peace Prize
And my very own Stanley Cup.
Then I earned a People’s Choice Award
Seconds before I woke up!
2. How to Paint a Wall
While I went off to work one day,
She decided to paint the wall.
And when I came back home that night,
She was curled into a ball.Her eyes were closed, she was breathing hard,
Her hair was very wet.
From her head to the tips of her pretty toes,
She was covered all in sweat.She was wrapped in a jacket made of down,
With a fur coat on top of that.
The wall was glowing with new, fresh paint;
On the floor, the paint can sat.
“Sweetheart!” I cried, with a worried look,
“Are you all right, my dear?”
She lazily opened her lovely eyes,
And smiled from ear to ear.“I knew I could do it,” she said with a grin;
“I followed the paint can notes.
It clearly said ‘For best results,
Be sure to put on two coats.'”By Joanna Fuchs
3. Golf Chat
Three old men on the golf course,
(Each had trouble hearing well)
Were playing a round on a breezy day,
When one blew over and fell.“Windy, isn’t it?” said one of them,
While helping the other to rise.
“No, it’s Thursday,” said the second man.
And they walked off to exercise.The third man had listened intently;
Now he chimed in, with good cheer;
As he followed the others, he called out,
“So am I. Let’s have a beer!”By Joanna Fuchs
4. Wolves and Liars
My five year-old-son, he lies a lot,
And I wanted it to end,
So I told him about the boy who cried “wolf!”
Hoping he would comprehend.“He kept crying ‘wolf!’ when there was no wolf,”
I told my son, whom I adore.
“When the wolf came to eat him, he called for help,
But no one listened anymore.”My son’s eyes grew wide; It looked like he got it;
My heart was all aglow.
But he dashed my hopes when he nodded and said,
“I was eaten by a wolf once, you know.”By Joanna Fuchs
5. Seven Foot Lunch
Three genteel ladies went lunching
At a sophisticated hotel.
Their elevator door opened;
They gasped, and their faces fell.A seven-foot man was inside,
With an intimidating expression.
They got in anyway;
They were the very souls of discretion.“Sit!” the man yelled, and they sat,
In their luncheon finery,
They went up; then the door slid aside;
The man left, abashedly.His dog had been behind him;
At lunch they got a note.
The basketball star paid their bill;
“My apologies, and my treat,” he wrote.By Joanna Fuchs
6. Poodle Insurance
A life insurance salesman
Was talking to a wife:
“What will you get if your husband dies,
You know…at the end of his life.”The woman thought and thought some more,
And then she scratched her noodle.
“Well, I guess, you know, with my husband gone,
I’d probably get a poodle.”By Joanna Fuchs
7. Cop Contest
A dispute among three kinds of cops,
CIA, FBI, LAPD:
Who can catch bad guys the quickest?
We’ll set up a contest and see.A rabbit was set loose in the trees;
“We’ll get him first,” they all said.
They gathered up all of their gear,
And into the forest, they sped.The CIA with informants,
Questions animals and plants on its list,
And after four months of investigation,
Concludes rabbits do not exist.The FBI searches and searches,
But can’t find a single clue.
After three weeks they burn down the forest,
Killing the poor bunny, too.The LAPD takes an hour;
Solving crimes fast is their habit.
Their perp is a badly bruised cougar,
Shouting, “Whatever you say! I’m a rabbit!”By Joanna Fuchs
8. Thank God For Plumbers
Two old friends met on the street,
Hadn’t talked in many a year;
“How’s your family,?” asked this dear old friend,
“I’d really like to hear.”“George has a Master’s in literature,”
The other said, with pride,
“And Mary’s a grad in modern art,
Her career she has yet to decide.”“And How’s Willy,” the first friend kindly asked,
While the other displayed defeat;
“Oh, Willy’s a plumber,” she sighed, hanging her head,
“But without him, we’d be out on the street.”By Joanna Fuchs
9. Two Beers
Larry came into my bar
Every day to drink two beers.
“My brother’s dying; one’s for him,”
He said, his eyes full of tears.Each day it was the same,
Two beers and then he’d go,
One for his brother, one for him,
He’s sad but sweet, this schmo.One day he orders just one.
His brother’s dead, I’m thinking.
I asked him, but he replied,
“No, it’s me; I’ve given up drinking.”By Joanna Fuchs
10. Know-It-Alls
Let me tell you what would be a real treat:
A gathering of Know-It-Alls together at a meet
And with Know-It-Alls as far as you can see
Just think what the potential might come to beId’ like to be there as fly on the wall
To see the mayhem, bedlam, confusion and all
I can imagine them searching for a modest few
For anyone who’s listen, to be repulsive toIt would be fun, but for them a great test
To find out just who is the biggest darn pest
And how long should such a meeting last?
Until all realized they are a pain-in-the-a_sPerhaps at meeting’s end some few would see
How totally obnoxious a Know-It-All can beBy Gene Sanders
11. Just Anti-Social
We’ve loaded him with a lot of taxes
And rules and codes but there’s something funny;
In spite of the way his burden waxes
The son-of-a-gun is making money!Whenever he’s given a boost to trade
We’ve taken an extra tribute off it,
But still the villain is undismayed,
The son-of-a-gun has shown a Profit!We grind out daily a brand new grist
Of regulations by Profs. And scholars,
But the Rugged Individualist
Is still producing some surplus dollars!We’ve frowned on personal, private gains,
As most immoral, and due for censure,
But the son-of-a-gun with Business Brains
Continues risking some new adventure!In spite of Planners and New Deal sages
With Communistical dreams and yearnings,
This Capitalistic guy pays wages,
And Some of his stocks and bonds show earnings!We’ve moved the bases, and changed the lines,
And altered the rules for every inning,
With added penalties, doubled fines,
But the son-of-a-gun insists on winning!It’s anti-social to fail to fail,
It makes our wonderful schemes look funny;
Rush the Traitor at once to jail,
For the son-of-a-gun is making money!
12. Just a Note
When I die, I’m going someplace
that I have never been.
You can be sure I won’t be back
If Heaven lets me in.Don’t know much about this place
just what I’ve heard and read.
One of the requirements is
you’ve got to go there dead.A couple of things I ask of you
be you friend or be you kin.
Don’t pack away my memories
As if I’d never been.Don’t be sad when you think of me
Or remember me with tears.
Just think about the funny things
We laughed at through the years.It’s ok if you want to miss me
But that’s as far as it should go.
Just think about me now & then
And go on with the show.So, this is just a note to say
Don’t cry and don’t you fret
I’m hanging in and going strong
You see, I AIN’T DEAD YET!
13. When I’m An Old Lady
When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they’ll be so excited!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids…)I’ll write on the walls with reds, whites, and blues,
And bounce on the furniture…..wearing my shoes.
I’ll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they’ll shout!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids…)When they’re on the phone and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they’ll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done, I’ll hide under the bed.
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids…)When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I’ll not eat my green beans or salad or meat.
I’ll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry…I’ll run….if I’m able!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids…)I’ll sit close to the TV., through the channels I’ll click
I’ll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I’ll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud ’til the end of the day!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids…)And later in bed, I’ll lay back and sigh,
I’ll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, “She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”By Joanne Bailey Baxter
14. Unlucky Man
In London zoo a lion escaped
They forgot to lock his cage
It disappeared into the night
Hungry, filled with ragePoor old Brian had lost his job
His life had hit the skids
His wife moved in with his mate
She also took his kidsHe hit the bottle pretty hard
He started to get ill
His grandma died, he got the call
Turns out she had a willShe had millions in the bank
And she left it all to Brian
But on his way to cash the cheque
He was eaten by a lion…By Glen Saggs
15. In Too Deep
A big bull frog had jumped and found
Himself no longer on the ground.
A pail of water, cold and deep,
That from its’ grasp, he couldn’t leap.I saw him struggling to be free
And for his plight, I soon found pity;
I dumped the pail but feared to touch
This creature ugly, warts and such.I’m thankful for the souls who see,
My warts and yet, they pity me,
When in the water, I too, take leap
And find myself in there too deep.
16. Incompatible
Some say we’re incompatible,
It seems that most agree.
We don’t belong together,
Should be independent and free.Why do people judge us,
When we in each delight?
Having different tastes just adds
To a mixture that’s just right.We’re joined together as a pair,
Like a hand fits in a glove,
And the pleasure we can give,
Spreads to others with our love.You may begin to wonder why,
We’ve stayed attached this long,
How did we get so popular
And proved so many wrong?We’ll let you hear our secret,
Then all of you can share,
Peanut butter and chocolate
Are a very compatible pair.By Vivien Wade
17. The Thanksgivings Turkey
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there’d never been turkey before.It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn’t a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I’d never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn’t been popped.
18. The New Kid
Our baseball team never did very much,
We had me and PeeWee and Earl and Dutch.
And the Oak Street Tigers always got beat
Until the new kid moved in on our street.The kid moved in with a mitt and a bat
And an official New York Yankee hat.
The new kid plays shortstop or second base
And can outrun us all in any place.The kid never muffs a grounder or fly
No matter how hard it’s hit or how high.
And the new kid always acts quite polite,
Never yelling or spitting or starting a fight.We were playing the league champs just last week;
They were trying to break our winning streak.
In the last inning the score was one-one,
When the new kid swung and hit a home run.A few of the kids and their parents say
They don’t believe that the new kid should play.
But she’s good as me, Dutch, PeeWee or Earl,
So we don’t care that the new kid’s a girl.By Mike Makley
19. How to Win Friends
When we got our swimming pool
We were bamboozled by friends
Who popped up uninvited
And took over our weekendsThe friends brought others with them
People we didn’t even know
Our popularity soared
Our circle began to growBut were we being naive?
Were we playing the fool?
We finally learned the truth
When we drained the swimming pool
20. The Earthworm
Mrs. Brown had taught first grade
for twenty years or more.
She was a real good teacher;
all the folks knew that for sure.One day in her zeal to teach
her students helpful things
She chose drinking whiskey,
and the problems that it brings.She poured some whiskey in a glass
so they could plainly see,
Then showed to them an earthworm.
All the students squealed with glee.“See how he wiggles and moves so fast,”
said Mrs. Brown, and then
She dropped him straight down in the glass.
They didn’t understand.She held the glass, and then she said,
“Now, come and look inside.”
They looked, and it was plain to see,
he had shriveled up and died.“Now children,” she said tenderly,
“you’ve all looked at this worm.
“Can anyone explain today
the lesson that you’ve learned?”All the students shook their heads,
but Johnny raised his hand.
“I know, I know,” Little Johnny said.
“I know! I understand!”Mrs. Brown saw Johnny’s hand
and she was very glad.
With glowing eyes and a happy heart,
she looked at him and said,“All right, Johnny. Stand up, now,
and tell them what you learned.”
“If you drink whiskey all the time,
you never will have worms!”
21. The Flatulence Tax
A flatulence tax on cattle and sheep,
Another rip-off to make us all weep.
Preserving the ozone at any expense,
It’s all propaganda that doesn’t make sense.Abandon the flock and abolish the herd,
When it comes to survival, then nothing’s absurd.
But what will we eat for daily protein?
The answer is simple, the mighty baked bean.So plough in the forage and pastures too
Put paid to the curse of the cattle poo.
Then plant all the land with navy beans,
Belching out gasses from smokey machines.The resulting erosion will wipe any smiles,
Make the Greenies appear they’re suffering piles.
With options so few when it comes to a meal,
And the after affects still part of the deal.With the whole population gobbling baked beans,
The potential was there for some horrid scenes.
The worst of our fears were about to come true,
The Follies were gobbling their baked beans too.And adding more fuel to their natural reserve,
The electorate was poised to get its deserve.
Their innards vibrated their faces contorted,
The speaker collapsed and debate was aborted.Then rising as one from babes to old Granny,
With timing so perfect was almost uncanny.
The whole population let off a great fart,
With a bloody big bang blew the ozone apart.By John O’Neill
22. Homesick Hillbilly
I visited many cities and a number of miles I logged
I traveled until my feet were sore and my legs ached
Farther and farther I ventured from my home stateI left behind my family, my neighbors and friends
When I departed the little town I grew up in
I left behind my classmates too
And the teachers who taught me in schoolI left behind the mountain scenery I loved so much
Like the changing colors of the fall leaves and such
I miss the winter snows, believe it or not
For I now live in a place that is forever hotI found a good job and made lots of bread
But many a time I often wished instead
That I could have stayed in my mountain retreat
Where I could feel the soil beneath my feetThere are many others just like me
Who left the state out of necessity
It doesn’t say much for the leaders of a state
When its inhabitants must head for the InterstateBut now that my career is coming to an end
I have a longing to return to where I began
So, if at my present address I cannot be found
Then you’ll know that I am West Virginia boundBy Ellen Bailey
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